The Yearning Never Stops

I thought there were better days coming. I was wrong. It actually went a bit bad for me.

Last Sunday was a first for me and Lee, mama. It was our first time to go on a movie date. I was very excited to finally be able to enjoy a date with my husband. The tita's were willing to babysit Daniel and spend an hour at the gymboree. It was nice. I didn't particularly like the movie and I was 30% thinking of Daniel if he's okay but it was quite nice to be holding hands and have kisses throughout the afternoon.

Then, the movie ended. The lolas bid their goodbyes and we are left to do the final task of checking out the appliances.

I totally lost it, mama.

I was so angry at him because he made me feel so small, so stupid, so insignificant, and undignified human being. We simply went home and didn't even bother to eat. I was fuming.

Then, throughout this, I keep thinking...what is the point of all this? Why go on with life? You died and nothing really mattered in the end. I just want to go already. I just don't want to live anymore. I used to call you when things get like this and I used to feel better just by talking to you. I DON'T HAVE THAT ANYMORE.

The pain of losing you has been magnified as if that's still even possible. I miss you so much that I tear up probably five times a day now. Especially when I am by myself, I cry myself until I can no longer breathe.

I asked God today, why you? Why did He take you away from me? Why didn't He let me have more time with you? I needed you so much. You were my emotional anchor. You make things so much better by just being you. A cuddle is enough to melt away the hurt or pain. If I listen closely to how it was before when you talk to me, it hurts to be reminded of your voice. Because I can no longer hear them again.

Eventually, Lee and I made up. But it seems like it opened this gate of tears, of yearning for you. I miss you so much, mama. Please visit me in my dreams. Hug me please. I need you, mama.