40th Day

I cannot believe it. It has already been 40 days since you left us. I can still remember it as if it was yesterday. You were in so much pain, mama. You couldn't breathe at all. You were like a fish out of the ocean, struggling to breathe and gasping for air. You had internal bleeding. Your massive wound from surgery never healed. Your breast cancer cells have spread to your bones, lungs, and liver.

It was just the day before you died when the doctor gave us 2 options: 1) the standard hospital procedure and be in pain then die while doing it, or 2) sedate you with morphine to numb the pain. We chose number 2. I hope you don't mind - we don't want you to be in pain anymore. I asked for a timeline, she said a week. You were in a hurry to go, mama. You only lasted hours after that.

I remember waking up at 2 am, just right after I fed your grandchild. I checked up on you and your nurse. I asked him, how long does mama have... He said to me, because your blood pressure kept dropping, it's probably within the day. He was right. You died at 6:45 pm that day.

I remember frantically knocking on our neighbor who is a Catholic priest and ended up sliding a note under his door. He came at once after reading the note. He gave you the sacrament of anointment of the sick. He came many times before to give the same sacrament. But this time, it was different. He also knew this is it for you. I hope you heard him and was comforted by his words.

I remember trying to talk to you. Kissing your forehead many times. For the last time. Telling you I love you so much. For the last time. I remember trying to hug you. I remember you responded once and seemed to be crying in your sleep. I keep saying, it will be alright. Do not be afraid. But honestly mama, it wasn't alright for me at all. I miss you so much. I have no idea how I can go on without you by my side. I hope you are okay now. I think somehow, it is clear that you are no longer in pain now. You are the nicest person I have ever met, I am sure God has reserved a seat for you in heaven.

I remember the waiting. I even joked and teased you how come you are still alive! Then you started drifting away.

I remember the dying part. I can never forget. I held your hand as you opened your eyes for the last time and took your last breath. I can never forget how you slowly stopped breathing. I remember how you turned yellow. I remember how you looked dead. Lifeless. My beautiful mother, gone.

But most of all, I remember the pain of losing you mama. I have it with me. Everyday, I miss you so much. Everyday, I wonder when can I see you again. I love you so much, mama. Sometimes, I feel like there is no point in living because you are no longer in it. But I don't want to cut my life short - I want to be with you in heaven one day.

To be honest, I really don't know how the future will be because you are no longer in it. Sometimes, everything seems pointless and futile. What for? When I will just end up in ashes anyway?

But I try to live it day by day. For your grandson and my husband.

I asked Sef, how does he cope when he misses you? He answered by watching movies. I tried that and it works. Up until I have nothing to watch anymore.

I miss you so much, mama. I wish you were still alive and healthy. We could be having fun right now. I would be on the phone to you right now, telling you how much I love you and giving you updates on your grandson and everything else. Or we could be nursing our sore feet from all that walking around the malls. Or we could be rubbing our full tummies from indulgent eating.. Or I could be all snugly and happy because I am hugging you like I always do.

I look forward to getting some sleep. Hoping you would visit me again and we can talk and hug in my dreams.

I love you, mama. Please visit me in my dreams. I miss you so much. It hurts a lot that you are no longer here with me.