Trails of Sadness

Lee and I had a fight again, yesterday, mama. It was because of the small things that I find so annoying. Since you were gone, or maybe since I gave birth, I am always easily irritated and annoyed. I feel like these days, my irritability with my husband has gone worse. I'm always angry too. I'm trying not to be but sometimes, some days, I just can't help it.

Generally, I am angry. I hate how the world is so unfair. I am in so much angst that you have to go. I am so angry that you suffered so much before you died. I am so angry because you left me. I needed to have you in my life especially now that I am a mother too. I am so angry, I feel like you and I have been robbed of happiness. I don't care how old you are, I feel like you were taken so soon.

Lee pointed out to me how I am so miserable. I told him of course! I just lost my mother, for f*ck sake! He said for how long will I be miserable because he doesn't want a miserable wife. He doesn't want to be with me if I am miserable for the rest of my life. He understands that I am grieving but I am also missing the potential to be happy in our life. According to him, there are so many things we should be happy and excited about. And he also said that you would want me to be happy. He is happy where we are right now and he wants me to be in the same happy cloud like him.

I explained to him, for me, it always feels like just yesterday when you died. For me, the pain of losing you never really gets easier after x number of days. I am still very angry. I am still very miserable. He doesn't understand my grievance, it seems.

I don't want to lose my husband though. So maybe, if I pretend to be happy, eventually, I will be happy. Remember that old Nat King Cole song, "Pretend you're happy when you're sad?" That will be my mantra everyday now.

In other news, your cousin has just died, mama. They didn't know you were gone and was shocked to hear about your death. She was 82 years old, mama. Wish you reached that age too.