The Yearning Never Stops

I thought there were better days coming. I was wrong. It actually went a bit bad for me.

Last Sunday was a first for me and Lee, mama. It was our first time to go on a movie date. I was very excited to finally be able to enjoy a date with my husband. The tita's were willing to babysit Daniel and spend an hour at the gymboree. It was nice. I didn't particularly like the movie and I was 30% thinking of Daniel if he's okay but it was quite nice to be holding hands and have kisses throughout the afternoon.

Then, the movie ended. The lolas bid their goodbyes and we are left to do the final task of checking out the appliances.

I totally lost it, mama.

I was so angry at him because he made me feel so small, so stupid, so insignificant, and undignified human being. We simply went home and didn't even bother to eat. I was fuming.

Then, throughout this, I keep thinking...what is the point of all this? Why go on with life? You died and nothing really mattered in the end. I just want to go already. I just don't want to live anymore. I used to call you when things get like this and I used to feel better just by talking to you. I DON'T HAVE THAT ANYMORE.

The pain of losing you has been magnified as if that's still even possible. I miss you so much that I tear up probably five times a day now. Especially when I am by myself, I cry myself until I can no longer breathe.

I asked God today, why you? Why did He take you away from me? Why didn't He let me have more time with you? I needed you so much. You were my emotional anchor. You make things so much better by just being you. A cuddle is enough to melt away the hurt or pain. If I listen closely to how it was before when you talk to me, it hurts to be reminded of your voice. Because I can no longer hear them again.

Eventually, Lee and I made up. But it seems like it opened this gate of tears, of yearning for you. I miss you so much, mama. Please visit me in my dreams. Hug me please. I need you, mama.

Better Days

Hi mama, today and yesterday have been better days. Yesterday was spent with Tita Ampy, Tita Lina, Sef, and Mary. I always feel better when they are around. It is like having a part of you around me. We had Burger King (Tita Ampy's treat) and she told me how you guys usually go there after church. And that Sef misses out on it because he doesn't go to church.

I am glad to have them around. They really do make me feel slightly better. Then we went to your vault afterwards and placed some pink carnations. I wanted to put a yellow rose but Tita Lina said you prefer carnations. Maybe next time, I will put a yellow rose.

Today was a good morning. Lee wants me to check out going for a short trip outside Phils which is what I would like to do. I asked if we can go to Paris and then he reminded me of our massive debt. I would still explore that avenue and see if we can go on a budget. :)

Today and yesterday are better days. I have not cried...yet. I have not felt the longing pain...yet. I hope you don't mind, mama, if today I will not feel the pain of losing and missing you. Just for today.

Trails of Sadness

Lee and I had a fight again, yesterday, mama. It was because of the small things that I find so annoying. Since you were gone, or maybe since I gave birth, I am always easily irritated and annoyed. I feel like these days, my irritability with my husband has gone worse. I'm always angry too. I'm trying not to be but sometimes, some days, I just can't help it.

Generally, I am angry. I hate how the world is so unfair. I am in so much angst that you have to go. I am so angry that you suffered so much before you died. I am so angry because you left me. I needed to have you in my life especially now that I am a mother too. I am so angry, I feel like you and I have been robbed of happiness. I don't care how old you are, I feel like you were taken so soon.

Lee pointed out to me how I am so miserable. I told him of course! I just lost my mother, for f*ck sake! He said for how long will I be miserable because he doesn't want a miserable wife. He doesn't want to be with me if I am miserable for the rest of my life. He understands that I am grieving but I am also missing the potential to be happy in our life. According to him, there are so many things we should be happy and excited about. And he also said that you would want me to be happy. He is happy where we are right now and he wants me to be in the same happy cloud like him.

I explained to him, for me, it always feels like just yesterday when you died. For me, the pain of losing you never really gets easier after x number of days. I am still very angry. I am still very miserable. He doesn't understand my grievance, it seems.

I don't want to lose my husband though. So maybe, if I pretend to be happy, eventually, I will be happy. Remember that old Nat King Cole song, "Pretend you're happy when you're sad?" That will be my mantra everyday now.

In other news, your cousin has just died, mama. They didn't know you were gone and was shocked to hear about your death. She was 82 years old, mama. Wish you reached that age too.

Went to the Farm

Hi Mama, we went to our farm today. You should see how happy Lee was. I swear, he was almost skipping while walking through the grass. Your grandchild and I were chasing goats. Then the goats started running towards us, I screamed! Daniel was flopping his hands, kicking, and squealing! You would have loved it there, mama.

We met a lot of locals there, today. One lady looked a bit like you but of course just a hint of similarity. Nothing beats the beauty of my mother. We spoke about you. I told them your story and the ending of your story. They were nice. They told me that they can be my family now. One thing bugged me though... Two of them had cancer. None of them had chemo. Both are still very much alive after 5 years or so. I hate to think that maybe you shouldn't have had chemo. I keep countering this thought by thinking, maybe God just wants you to say goodbye to this earth journey of yours.

I keep thinking it's not fair, though. I miss you so much, mama. I hope you can read this from heaven.

40th Day

I cannot believe it. It has already been 40 days since you left us. I can still remember it as if it was yesterday. You were in so much pain, mama. You couldn't breathe at all. You were like a fish out of the ocean, struggling to breathe and gasping for air. You had internal bleeding. Your massive wound from surgery never healed. Your breast cancer cells have spread to your bones, lungs, and liver.

It was just the day before you died when the doctor gave us 2 options: 1) the standard hospital procedure and be in pain then die while doing it, or 2) sedate you with morphine to numb the pain. We chose number 2. I hope you don't mind - we don't want you to be in pain anymore. I asked for a timeline, she said a week. You were in a hurry to go, mama. You only lasted hours after that.

I remember waking up at 2 am, just right after I fed your grandchild. I checked up on you and your nurse. I asked him, how long does mama have... He said to me, because your blood pressure kept dropping, it's probably within the day. He was right. You died at 6:45 pm that day.

I remember frantically knocking on our neighbor who is a Catholic priest and ended up sliding a note under his door. He came at once after reading the note. He gave you the sacrament of anointment of the sick. He came many times before to give the same sacrament. But this time, it was different. He also knew this is it for you. I hope you heard him and was comforted by his words.

I remember trying to talk to you. Kissing your forehead many times. For the last time. Telling you I love you so much. For the last time. I remember trying to hug you. I remember you responded once and seemed to be crying in your sleep. I keep saying, it will be alright. Do not be afraid. But honestly mama, it wasn't alright for me at all. I miss you so much. I have no idea how I can go on without you by my side. I hope you are okay now. I think somehow, it is clear that you are no longer in pain now. You are the nicest person I have ever met, I am sure God has reserved a seat for you in heaven.

I remember the waiting. I even joked and teased you how come you are still alive! Then you started drifting away.

I remember the dying part. I can never forget. I held your hand as you opened your eyes for the last time and took your last breath. I can never forget how you slowly stopped breathing. I remember how you turned yellow. I remember how you looked dead. Lifeless. My beautiful mother, gone.

But most of all, I remember the pain of losing you mama. I have it with me. Everyday, I miss you so much. Everyday, I wonder when can I see you again. I love you so much, mama. Sometimes, I feel like there is no point in living because you are no longer in it. But I don't want to cut my life short - I want to be with you in heaven one day.

To be honest, I really don't know how the future will be because you are no longer in it. Sometimes, everything seems pointless and futile. What for? When I will just end up in ashes anyway?

But I try to live it day by day. For your grandson and my husband.

I asked Sef, how does he cope when he misses you? He answered by watching movies. I tried that and it works. Up until I have nothing to watch anymore.

I miss you so much, mama. I wish you were still alive and healthy. We could be having fun right now. I would be on the phone to you right now, telling you how much I love you and giving you updates on your grandson and everything else. Or we could be nursing our sore feet from all that walking around the malls. Or we could be rubbing our full tummies from indulgent eating.. Or I could be all snugly and happy because I am hugging you like I always do.

I look forward to getting some sleep. Hoping you would visit me again and we can talk and hug in my dreams.

I love you, mama. Please visit me in my dreams. I miss you so much. It hurts a lot that you are no longer here with me.